Moving Through the Resistance

I have begun to notice that I go through these cycles, these periods of resistance so to speak where I don’t want to do anything that could possibly be beneficial to me.

It’s almost always after I make a lot of progress too when it comes to healing, or I have made a big step and then I seem to have these periods of regression almost. I start reverting back to my comfort habits, the things that have helped me get through.

One thing though is I do catch myself a lot quicker than before, I mean I am aware of the cycle now so that’s a step. I think I almost sabotage myself in some way, I see it in my head. Myself succeeding and then things slowly going down hill again, almost like I set myself up to do it. Like things possibly can’t stay good, somethings gotta give right?

I think that mind set is part of the reason why something does end up giving in the end. I convince myself something will so it does.

What If I tried to challenge that?

What is the best that could happen? What if I do succeed with my goal and I stay consistent? What if I keep showing up for myself?

The past couple months I have been really trying to challenge myself to push through those thought patterns and that resistance. Despite the fact that I didn’t get out for my walk in the morning before work, I actually can still go for a walk after work and I am totally okay.

I often get caught up in this idea that my entire day is over when I get off work, yes I am tired. However, on days like today when I finish at 12:30 pm I have still a full day ahead of me and I get so caught up in thinking I need to rest the entire day of it, so I just don’t do anything else!

Part of challenging this for me has been going out after work on these days, even if its something as quick as a walk around the block after work, just leave the house again.

Today I got myself out for a really nice walk after probably an hour of resistance, and just walking around my apartment procrastinating, now here I am writing – It snowballed into other things without me even realizing it.

I mean thats not to say I feel all sunshine and rainbows, I feel a hell of a lot better though, and it also reminded me that I could do that and I think thats the bigger part for me.

Resistance to Healing

I often find I go through these cycles of getting really gung ho about healing and taking care of myself and getting to the bottom of it, and then after a month of two of it I fall back off into what I like to call my ‘fuck it’ phase.

I say ‘fuck it’ just a little to much when it comes to my actions, I notice I smoke more which directly inhibits me processing my feelings, I notice I eat more sugar and just generally more processed and quick food, I stop going for walks or really forcing interaction. I stop playing or letting myself enjoy really anything.

I feel a lot of shame in these cycles and almost like I am doing something wrong. I mean I am but not to anyone else, I am just hurting myself in those times. I think thats part of it, it’s almost like a ‘hey take that’ like I am trying to punish myself in some strange way for trying to heal or unlearn things. I am sabotaging myself. I don’t feel worth being cared for.

I think these feelings have been coming up a lot stronger because I am finding myself in healthier relationships and spaces. With that though, I feel kind of on edge, like somethings happening behind the scenes I am just not aware of. In reality I am just engaging with people who speak what they mean and aren’t trying to play some game. They mean what they say and they say what they mean. Why does calm make me so uncomfortable?

Especially around others. I can handle quite spaces alone quite well, however when where I am is also calm and just quite it makes me feel like somethings going to happen. Strange.

Resistance has taught me…

that you can’t wait for the right moment to do something, you can’t wait till you feel like you want to do something. Sometimes you have to sit through some discomfort and resistance before you begin to enjoy the journey. You have to show up beside your discomfort and hold yourself through it.

Resistance has taught me that you can re start again, you can try again after failing. You can show up with tears on your face and get back to it. Just because you have fallen doesn’t mean you can’t get back up again.

Resistance has taught me that I can come back to things that I enjoy no matter how long I have been away from them. This was really big for writing, I found myself looking at my old blog posts wondering how I was able to post the way I was. The truth is, was that I felt pretty similar I was just posting through the discomfort. I wasn’t posting to try and please any particular person or thing, I was posting what was going on in my life and in my healing and thats why I enjoyed it.

With that being said, I am trying to return back to myself. I am trying to reintroduce myself to myself haha

Myself and my partner got out for our first low tide walk of the season and man was it beautiful. I always feel infinitely better after being by the sea, something so wild about the tides. I feel small and at the mercy of mother nature, its awakening.

I ended up painting some of the waves a few days later.

I am grateful for these moments.

I am grateful for waking up today.

I am grateful for recognizing the power in taking care of myself.

I am grateful for the love that I have to give.

I am grateful for the love that I receive.

I am grateful for reflection.

I am grateful for resistance.

I am sending all my love out into the world,

Erika Jane