Is this thing still on??

Well it has been a while since I have written a blog post. I have missed it immensely, yet didn’t prioritize it until now. I recently got laid off from one of my two jobs and have found myself with a little bit more time on my hands. Also the ever increasing existential dread…

Which has led me here… coming back to what I started when I was in the thick of PTSD and not working. Coming back to what feels a bit safe and also terrifying. I have always wanted to pursue my blog and really my own business – financially though that has never been something I could maintain. Now thats not to say that I have a ton of money to do that now. No, not in the sligthest haha. Quite the opposite really which is part of the motivation to get writing again.

Let’s catch up…

On where I have been and what life has looked like the last year or so. It’s been kind of a whirlwind. I mean I think it has been for a lot of people. I still feel myself learning to socialize again since all of the lockdowns and insanity that was. I catch myself feeling intense anxiety before socializing like it will be the last time I ever interact with my friends again. I really struggle with leaving- well maybe its not leaving so much as it is the act of saying good bye. It feels really unsafe.

The last year we have been preparing to move, mentally and well physically too I’d say. We are moving from the Main land of Nova Scotia to Cape Breton Island in the next month. Up until January we didn’t really think it would happen this fast. We thought maybe end of this summer and then things began to align and now we have a month to go!

I was working two part time jobs up until a couple weeks ago when I was laid off. It’s been somewhat of a blessing in disguise. Initially I was pretty shocked and sad, they were aware I was leaving in April anyways, and in a lot of ways they helped me out because now I am laid off instead of quitting so I will be able to apply for EI for this in between period.

I think a big part for me, is that I am grieving this chapter closing. This is the first place I have lived outside of my parents home and I’ve been here since I was 18! I turn 28 in May! It will be just short of a decade here on my own. And by on my own, I mean without my biological family. I have met many people that have become family since. ❤

I have grown so much in this town and it feels really bittersweet to leave. I’d say its as involved in the community as I have ever felt somewhere. I feel seen and held in a way I didn’t know was possible. I am really going to miss it here.

With that being said, I think a lot of it demonstrates how much healing and growth I have done here. When I first moved here I was basically a ‘functioning’ alcoholic, I say ‘functioning’ because I was breathing and eating but I wouldn’t say I was doing well. I drank 6 or 7 nights a week, I went to work hungover constantly, I skipped my classes, failed multiple classes and just didn’t take care of myself.

Since then though, I have also gone through years of therapy, I finished my University degree, I have been able to manage two jobs for almost 2 years straight! I have made new friends, and more than anything I have become friends wit myself again. I am learning how to love myself and show myself that love, no matter how much pain it has come with.

There is still years of work to do and I will be learning till the day I die, however, it feels really good to see how far I have come. To recognize the work I have done is actually paying off. I am healing one day at a time. ❤

Some big milestones…

For me this past year have been learning to say no, even when others don’t accept your no. Learning to sit with the discomfort of disappointing others has been so fucking hard and also so worthwhile. I used to get stuck in thinking that I needed to avoid that discomfort, then in turn i would end up in situations that were not helpful for me in healing and i would end up resentful and upset that I said yes in the first place. You either sit with the discomfort of disappointing someone else, or live with that feeling of letting yourself down.

The discomfort I feel disappointing someone else is a lot less short lived then when I let myself down and allow myself to cross my own boundaries. The people who care about you are aloud to be disappointed when plans change, they are also able to process that in a healthy way and understand it has nothing to do with them. Now I am not saying just cancel all your plans all of the time.

I am saying be intentional about your time and your plans, you don’t have to say yes to every single thing especially when you know it is only going to harm you.

For me a great example is going out to the bar to drink or ‘go out’ thankfully I am coming out of the age where this is all people do and it’s not as common. It’s just not something I enjoy, I don’t drink anymore, I am super introverted and those situations are just really overwhelming to me with zero benefit haha. If my friends want to hang out, we can grab a coffee, or a do an activity. I don’t need to be blackout drunk to socialize, nor do i want to be – and thats where the growth is for me.

I used to say yes not because I wanted to go, but because I want to fit in. Now just because I was able to fit, doesn’t mean thats where I belonged!

I will be the first to say this has not come easily, I felt some really intense periods of loneliness and like I would never come out of it. It goes everything against us biologically to not fit in. So when you recognize those feelings in yourself, don’t be too hard on yourself. It used to be a matter of safety, if you didn’t fit in, you were at risk of being the first killed by a predator. Things are a little bit different now hahah

Recognizing that everyone is going to have an opinion about you no matter what you do, you could be the kindest most selfless person anyone has ever met and someone will still hate you because they’re used to rain. People are uncomfortable by things that are different, different than their own bias, different than they expect you to be, some people do not know who to react to it except with anger. It’s not your fault, nor does it have anything to do with you. Keep shining friend.

Okay, I digress coming back to those mile stones haha.

I went to the dentist! I got my teeth cleaned and a couple cavities filled, seems simple but my god I feel like I am going to die when I go to the dentist haha happy to say it gets easier each time you go.

I started my own home bakery! And made a couple sales!!! This one feels really small because I won’t let myself celebrate it haha I want to do so much more with my home baking but I am really proud of myself for making a name and shooting my shot! Its called BYTHEBAY BAKERY 🙂

Some more personal milestones are that I am getting honest with how I really feel, I am trying to unpack whats really in my head and not just shove it back down further.

What’s next..

Well with returning to writing, my intention is to start maintaining my blog. Whether it stays on wordpress or I end up moving to another site will really just depend on financials. With my current site I am unable to upload photos so I would like to transition my site to something that could handle photos and at a lower cost. Stay tuned for that!

I have been posting weekly on my youtube channel at thatbeautifulbrain, with a new video every Sunday Morning! I plan to increase my uploading to 2 times a week and share more about our moving journey and home renovations which will be starting up really soon!

Right now the main focus is going to be managing my mental health and physical health this next month until we move and trying to make sure I am not spreading myself too thin. I hope to make writing a bit more of a regular thing and come back to more in depth posts that provide printables and tools for you!

If there is anything you would like to see in the future I would love to hear! 🙂

I am sending so much love out into the world, I hope you are having a gentle Monday morning! ❤

Love,

Erika Jane